COAS/SSLYAR Pigskin Pick 'Em Week 13

We are coming down the stretch with 5 weeks left in the NFL season. It's been a fun, but also incredibly confusing year. Nathaniel and I have had our up and down weeks all season long but the standings have stayed almost the same, with me holding a decent but not separated enough lead currently standing at 7 games after he picked .500 ball over the holiday weekend and I was a game back while in the frozen tundra.

If you haven't yet, a fun resource to check out is ESPN's Playoff Machine, which lets you pick out winners over the remainder of the season and let the playoff scenarios unfold from there. It's good to see theoretically what a team needs to do to win, but it's also a fun toy to mess around with and see how crazy you can make the playoff picture. I can't sabotage too much this year, but I made a scenario as effed up as I possibly could here. Some teams are so up in the standings it's impossible to drop them out of the race, so I did what I could to put teams with no realistic shot into the 12 team fray. Nathaniel clearly had the same idea, and his scenarios are here, some of which might be a lot better than mine.

So without further ado, we return to reality and look at the slate of games this week. We only disagree on 5 games this week, so we must be in pretty good sync. That must explain why when we were playing football Wednesday afternoon we had 5 offensive drives that lasted a combined 8 plays (the first 4 were 1 play touchdown drives, the other took 4).

New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Lucas: Saints. One of these days I'll learn that the Falcons have otherworldly powers at home in the regular season. I'm going to play off of that and assume the Saints try to go up by 7 with a field goal with 2 minutes to go, only the field goal gets blocked and run back for a touchdown to put Atlanta up 3 and the Saints can't close.

Nathaniel: Saints. I'll admit it. I get a sick rush whenever I pick against the Falcons and they find some crazy way to cover by a half point each and every week. I love it when they get consistently outplayed but win anyway because they choke less than the other team. I WANT these picks to fail. C'mon, Matt Ryan. Don't let me down now!

Jacksonville Jaguars at Buffalo Bills (-6.5)

Lucas: Jaguars. So, we have 2 bad defenses... and one team is favored by a touchdown? And since Chad Henne is likely at the Jaguars' helm, why is Buffalo favored by that much? I don't get Vegas/ESPN. 

Nathaniel: Jaguars. If Chad Henne's proven anything in his five-year NFL career, it's that he's good enough to lift your team to six or seven wins a year. Progress in Jacksonville!

Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears (-4.5)

Lucas: Seahawks. Jay is back for the Bears, which helps, but it seems like half the rest of the team is wounded. Combine that with Seattle having two of its defensive backs while their PED appeals are heard and it sounds like the recipe for a cover, if not an upset.

Nathaniel: Seahawks. No, there's nothing wrong with facing a great pass rush a week after half of your offensive line died, why do you ask?

Indianapolis Colts at Detroit Lions (-4.5)

Lucas: Lions. For his next trick, Ndamukong Suh will punch an offensive lineman out of his way following the snap, then facemask Andrew Luck to the ground and stomp him in the stomach because of something Luck said on the previous play, earning the first ever lifetime ban from the NFL. That seems entirely reasonable, right? 

Nathaniel: Lions. The Lions don't have any cheerleaders with which to shave heads in support of leukemia awareness, so #Chuckstrong's powers should be immune here. On the other hand, Jim Schwartz's powers of not knowing what plays he can or can't challenge will still be on full display, so all things considered this might be a push.

Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Lucas: Vikings. Maybe I'm being a little over-reactionary to the Packers getting embarrassed on national TV by the Giants again. Maybe Jared Allen just scares me given how Green Bay's offensive line has been. I just think this line is a little too high right now.

Nathaniel: Vikings. Another incident of a big line scaring me into taking the points. And, yes, I pick the Vikings knowing full well their best receiver right now might be Devin Aromashodu. Just like the 2009 Bears! Ah, that blissful season...

Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans (+5.5)

Lucas: Texans. "Hi, I'm Matt Schaub. Every year, thousands of men are kicked really hard in the balls. Not only is the pain immense, but it can do some serious damage to your body. The biggest problem is that it can happen to anybody. It happened to me. If you call the number on your screen now, you can help kicked balls in need. Your generous donation can provide relief and support to these men doubled over in pain. Don't let these balls suffer. Call now."

Nathaniel: Titans. Houston's defense has fallen off a cliff the past two weeks. I haven't seen Danieal Manning this flustered since he was blowing coverages in Super Bowl XL1. Ah, that blissful heartbreaking loss...

Carolina Panthers at Kansas City Chiefs (+3.5)

Lucas: Panthers. We got away with this one last week since Cam Newton decided to go off. Against a team as bad as Kansas City, maybe Cam will end up signing autographs in the parking lot too.

Nathaniel: Panthers. Carolina's hitting the cushiest part of their schedule JUUUUUUSSSSSSTTTT in time to avoid a top-5 draft pick and possibly save Ron Rivera's job. IF YOU'VE GOT ANY SENSE IN THAT BRAIN OF YOURS, CAM, YOU'LL COME DOWN WITH A "MYSTERIOUS" ILLNESS NOW AND SIT OUT THE REST OF THE SEASON. I promise that you'll enjoy having Jarvis Jones on your team.

San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams (+7.5)

Lucas: Rams. I know, I know. Maybe it's too soon to predict another letdown game for the Niners. But if the Rams could tie them at Candlestick, what's to say they can't win at home? 

Nathaniel: Rams. You don't need to explain the merits of this fantastic 49ers squad to me, but didn't these teams just play to a tie in San Francisco three weeks ago? AND WHAT A MEMORABLE TIE THAT WAS. Hopefully NFL Network comes out at some point with a series on the best tie games of all time so that we can FINALLY properly relive these classic struggles. Who can forget the Eagles-Bengals tie from 2008 in which Donovan McNabb learned that, yes, you can in fact tie? Or Gus Frerotte's head-butt of the wall in the Giants-Redskins tie of 1997? THE PEOPLE DEMAND THE GREATEST TIES OF ALL TIME SERIES AND THEY DEMAND IT NOW.

New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins (+7.5)

Lucas: Patriots. This is the time of the year when Belichek and Brady go into high-flying mode. Granted, Ryan Tannehill in all likelihood won't butt-fumble, but we can always hope, right? 

Nathaniel: Dolphins. Fairly certain Ryan Tannehill can avoid fumbling the ball into his offensive lineman's buttocks. And as the Jets showed us last week, that's half the battle right there! Also, I like this pick better if the Dolphins leave the Sun Life Stadium sprinkler heads out when the Patriots have the ball.

Arizona Cardinals at New York Jets (-4.5)

Lucas: Cardinals. I was originally wondering why the Jets were favored in this game before realizing Arizona's quarterbacks kind of suck. But then again, Rex Ryan's general gave us this gem.

Nathaniel: Cardinals. Things are so bad for Gang Green that not even Fireman Ed can watch. What will the football world do without a childish, drunken middle-aged man standing on another childish, drunken middle-aged man's shoulders and teaching the rest of the crowd how to spell a four-letter word? R.I.P Fireman Ed. You will be missed.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Denver Broncos (-6.5)

Lucas: Buccaneers. Should be a fun battle of high-powered offenses. Nathaniel, can we blame Britton Colquitt for last week's late cover instead of Matt Prater?

Nathaniel: Broncos. But only if Matt Prater doesn't miss two field goals again. I reserve the right to change my pick if that happens!
Lucas Note: Good luck running that by the Disney corporation, since they run our picking service.

Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders (-0.5)

Lucas: Browns. Am I seriously starting to believe in Brandon Weeden? The constifusionscended guy?

Nathaniel: Raiders. Honestly just tossing blindly at a dartboard here. The real winner of this game will be America - minus the greater Cleveland and Bay Area metropolitan areas. They'll be treated to Steelers-Ravens, a game that might just look a little like a thing we call football.

Cincinnati Bengals at San Diego Chargers (+1.5)

Lucas: Bengals.I'm impressed Norv has lasted this long. Cincy seems like they're bound for at least a wild card spot. 

Nathaniel: Bengals. The battle of the Blackout Kings. Since Cincinnati fans don't even travel to Paul Brown Stadium to watch their team, there's zero chance they'll fly out to San Diego to do so. You might see a bigger crowd at your local house of worship Sunday than at Qualcomm Stadium.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens (-6.5)

Lucas: Ravens. When you consider how bad the Steelers are without Big Ben, especially against Baltimore... combined with the fact that Baltimore is at home... come on. I don't recall feeling any ominous powers from driving by M&T Bank Stadium a couple times when I was in Baltimore, but you can't deny there's something there.

Nathaniel: Steelers. Under the assumption that Roethlisberger plays. But even if he doesn't, it won't be that bad, right? These games always seem to be 13-10 slugfests and I don't trust Joe Flacco to throw against the Steelers defense even when he's at home and Mike Tomlin's a very capable coach and OH MY WORD CHARLIE BATCH IS WARMING UP GAHHHHHHHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-9.5)

Lucas: Eagles. I'm probably losing my mind at this point in time, but 9 1/2 points is a lot to be giving a team that has issues even if it's against a team that has bigger issues. Or maybe I'm fixated by the possibility of my postseason scenario above.

Nathaniel: Eagles. I should know better than to complain about point spreads this late in the season, but how in the world does a team with a losing record end up being favored by 9.5 over anybody other than the Chiefs? Not even Andy Reid can screw this up. Actually on second thought, forget that I said that.

New York Giants at Washington Redskins (+2.5)

Lucas: Redskins. Suddenly the Giants are looking pretty good after that drubbing they gave Green Bay (I was embarrassed). They seem like world beaters again going into Washington. I'm no expert on Giants football, but this is probably a letdown game again. Maybe I was a week early.

Nathaniel: Redskins. So...this RGIII fellow...

Records so far

Lucas: 92-84 (7-9 last week)

Nathaniel: 85-91 (8-8 last week)